


Asphyxiation

by Messier_47



Series: langst [6]
Category: Voltron - Fandom, Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Depression, Hurt No Comfort, Nonbinary Pidge | Katie Holt, Sad Lance (Voltron), langest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-02
Updated: 2017-03-02
Packaged: 2018-09-27 21:03:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10049189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Messier_47/pseuds/Messier_47
Summary: Lance believes in lies that can't be lies so they're truths and these truths can breath except they can't but they live but they can't breathe so they'll take...his.





	

“No one wants you here anymore.”

 

Lance can’t remember who said it first. In fact, probably no one. It’s probably crazy to think all those years in elementary school where no one wanted to be around him, or being the last to pick on teams, or the sound of his classmates groaning when he raised his hands to talk. Yeah. That’s probably it. Going crazy. Lance must have been growing crazy.

 

“You’re not even funny.”

 

He remembers who said that. It was his first day of middle school and he was saying something about frogs in biology when Monica Santos turned around in her seat and said, “You’re not even funny.”

 

The class laughed with her. The class laughed at him. He laughed along with them because what else are you supposed to do? Are you supposed to cry? To get angry? He didn’t know the answer. He still doesn’t. So he does as he always do and starts to laugh with them. He mocks himself.

 

“Wow, it’s like you really are smart.”

 

He was always smart and the statements hurts more than it should but he smiles and laughs and congratulates Sesame Street cause of course he learned about the Doppler Shift equation from Elmo. Of course. Cause that’s all he’ll amount to, right?

 

It’s not like he begged Mama to take him to the observatories or he snuck into an Astronomy class at his sister’s college for months before the professor realized he wasn’t related to any of his students. It’s not like he attended the very same classes as them and managed to get in the Garrison on scholarship.

 

Of course not.

 

“Stop bothering us!”

 

Cause that’s what he is right? He’s heard it so much. He heard it when they turned him down on being teammates. He heard it when someone else jerked away from him like his very presence was repulsive. He knew how all the guys would call each other Saturday morning to play ball and he never got a call. He seen the sneer on some of the girl's faces when he would talk to him. And don’t remind him of how Jessica, the new girl, was dragged away and when she came back she turned away his greeting. “They told me about you, McClain,” she said, “From what I’ve heard, I don’t want to be involved.”

 

“Shut up already! No one wants to hear about it!”

 

Hunk was amazing. He was amazing, funny, kind, and had this horrible habit of stealing Lance’s fries but he was such a good friend. And listener.

 

Many a night have they stayed up late talking about everything. He listened avidly to Lance and laughed when he got so exicited and flushed bright red when he started slurring words and stammering he was so happy. But he doesn’t know.

 

Sometimes Lance just...shuts down. He just lays down on his bed and doesn’t move for hours. He doesn’t talk, or move, or make a sound. Hunk thinks this normal. Hunk thinks these are just down days and there’s a little bit of truth out there. Lance doesn’t admit the years before he could go whole days without talking. How the silence just kills him.

 

“You’re better at this than I thought.”

 

Ouch. That hurt. Cause what did they think before? That he was an idiot? That he couldn’t understand this? That he wasn’t smart enough?

 

Lance smiles easy and accepts the compliment. Months later he’s still contemplating on his first impressions with others and thinks, “Yeah, yeah I can see why they see an idiot.”

 

“You disappoint me.”

 

Commander Iverson doesn’t say it out loud but boy is it a close thing. It’s all because Keith left. It’s all because the best is gone. It’s all because Keith set the fucking standards and of course Lance can’t reach them.

 

He’s not Keith. But the lines blur sometimes. They want him to fly like Keith. They want him to act like Keith. They want him to be like Keith. Keith is long gone and yet his ghost chokes Lance’s breath and one time there was a flight simulator where he thought Keith’s voice started screaming in his ear and Iverson only made an example of his weakness when Lance stumbled out to vomit. He still gets chills at night. He sometimes wonders if on graduation day he’ll have to let Keith’s ghost possess him.

 

After all, it’s not Lance’s diploma anymore is it? He thinks if he looks close enough, he would see Keith’s name erased from the paper.

 

“You don’t know what you’re doing!”

 

Ouch. That hurt. And Coran totally didn’t mean that cause Lance really doesn’t know how to handle installing a gwahk into the mahtil with exploding the entire thing but still…

 

It doesn’t seem weird to Lance that he just accepts it. He doesn’t notice how it should rub his soul the wrong way. How wrong it should be to him. He doesn’t realize that it should feel like a lie. That it should make him notice the lie for what it is. But it doesn’t.

 

It doesn’t feel like a lie anymore.

 

“Lance! Shut up and follow orders!”

 

Shiro screams over their comms and Lance shuts up and follows orders. After the mission Lance vomits in Blue cockpit and sobs out apologize as he trembles because no one has ever done that before.

 

No one has ever tried to change him before. Sure, he changed for others on how he got quiet, a little more stupid, sometimes a bit too reckless, maybe a touch dull but never has anyone tried to take away him.

 

They took his voice. They took his thoughts. They took his hands. Can they really take away his soul? He doesn’t want to fight. He never wanted to fight. Lance isn’t a soldier. You know what he is? He’s supposed to be an explorer one misstep away from being stuck grounded in the upper atmosphere of earth.

 

What does Shiro want him to be as? A soldier? A mindless minion? A puppet? “Shut up and follow orders,” he said as if Lance’s strategy didn’t mean anything. As if his thoughts weren’t even enough to listen through. As if Lance shouldn’t have thought.

 

Lance stays in Blue’s cockpit, claims he’s too tired to move from the pilot seat, and cries.

 

“Maybe if you stopped flirting with me you can actually get some work done.”

 

That wasn’t flirting, Lance thinks. I only said your hair smelled nice.

 

Like coconuts, he thinks. Like Mama’s hair after she washes her hair and leaves to dry. Like her sister’s hair because her sister and mother share the same shampoo.

 

Lance doesn’t go near Allura anymore. When he forgets the smell of coconuts, he mourns for something he can’t grasp.

 

“YOU’RE SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT LANCE I’VE COULD HAVE DONE THAT!!!”

 

Lance shivers and grows cold and oh God he forgot Keith’s ghost. Or maybe it’s not Keith seeing as he’s alive on the comm but still Lance can feel his breath turning small and his vision tunneling and he can’t swallow. He can’t breathe.

 

He can’t fucking breathe.

 

He needs to breathe.

 

Blue is growling in concern but she can’t help him and he still can’t breathe.

 

They might be in enemy territory and he still can’t breathe.

 

They might need Voltron and he can’t BREATHE.

 

“Lance?”

 

“I can’t breathe.”

 

He blacks out.

\---

Later, they tell him he had a panic attack and Hunk had to bring him back to the castle. He’s quiet when they give him to report on how the planet wasn’t hostile so they were lucky they didn’t need Voltron. He’s quiet but he can hear what they’re saying.

 

Keith’s head is turned away but his body language is angry and closed off. “Lucky,” he hears but doesn’t hear, “They’d be lucky if they didn’t need him.”

 

Hunk so open about his expressions and emotions (God bless his heart) and Lance could hear him saying, “You’ll be okay. You’ll be okay.” like a mantra Hunk was trying to convince him of. Or maybe himself.

 

Pidge is on the foot of his bed looking down at their makeshift tablet huddled up and every now and then leaning back to feel the presence of his leg. Never looking at him. Never seeing him. They say, “I have better things to do than be here.” And they don’t say it. They don’t say it. But Lance can hear them. He wished he didn’t.

 

Shiro is the worst. He stands so close to his side, arms open and hand holding onto his shoulder in support like an offered hug but there was something in his eyes and the set of his mouth and Lance’s stomach drops. “You disappoint me,” he hears him whisper. He can’t remember how Iverson said it but Shiro says it infinetely worse.

 

He hears them so often it’s natural now. He agrees with them.

\---

Lance misses the shot.

 

“Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I should’ve made that! You’re so stupid Lance!”

 

“Finally accepting that part of yourself?” Keith says in snark.

 

No one said anything when Lance didn’t deny it. It was only the first time it happened.

 

“What do you mean you can’t fix it? You fixed it last time,” Pidge complains but still grabs Lance’s bayard to tweek.

 

“I don’t think I could do it anymore.”

 

They don’t say anything but they definetely know that’s not true. Lance knows how to do this. So why didn’t he believe it himself?

 

“Lance? What does baked pies smell like? Hunk tried to tell me but he didn’t say it right,” Coran asks.

 

“I don’t remember,” Lance says and he laughs hollowly. Coran flinches from the sound.

 

When Lance walks away Coran couldn’t help but worry for the boy who yearns for a home he can’t remember.

 

“Are you okay Lance,” Allura asks, “You’re not acting like yourself.”

 

“How so?” he asks back. She doesn’t answer him. How was she suppose to say it’s been months since he last flirted with her? That she enjoys his new attitude? That she worries over what else is different. That she wants the old Lance back.

 

He smiles at her and she thinks, ‘He might not even remember.’

 

“Lance, what’s wrong?” Hunk asks. He cornered Lance in the hallway. He can’t runaway now.

 

“What? What’s wrong? Is there something wrong?” The concern in Lance’s eyes sicken him because God is there something wrong. It’s Lance. There is something wrong with Lance.

 

“I don’t know, man. It just seems like you’re down in the dumps.”

 

“I’m fine.” Lance says it so reassuringly.

 

But Hunk remembers the down days of silence. They shared a dorm and he had to watch how much Lance ate. How long he slept. He’d count his words on one hand and knocked on the bathroom door if he took too long. But the castle was too big. And Lance never did like to show weakness. Hunk had never seen him cry.

 

“Lance, you know you can talk to me right?” Shiro says softly one day. He treats Lance carefully now. If only Lance stayed around long enough to realize it.

 

“Yes, sir.” Shiro jerks back like he’s been slapped.

 

What happened? How did this happen? Lance sounded so empty of himself. He wasn’t joking this time.

 

Lance leaves and Shiro had to hold back his gag reflex. He never wanted any one of his paladins to answer to him like this. He is their leader yes but he’s not...he can’t be…

 

Shiro can’t be their general. He’s not like Sendak.

 

“Lance! Are you okay?!” Keith asks and it’s a stupid question.

 

Of course Lance isn’t okay. Their in another skirmish facing Galra soldiers again and Lance just got hit. The wound is on his shoulder thankfully but Keith watches in horror as the black under armor just soaks pitch black and the white exo-armor begins a small dribble.

 

“I’m fine!” Lance shouts. “Get out of here before we’re both pinned down!” The Galra edge closer and they can barely hold them off.

 

“Not leaving without you!” Keith snaps and rushes out of his shelter to be at his side. It’s worse than what he thought.

 

Lance’s shoulder was hit...and so was the rest of him. His knee was busted. The cap hanging by a thread and the joint torn to shreds. Keith could see bone and a rush of fear makes him shiver. Lance’s skin is beading with sweat and so very pale. All the light leeched out of him.

 

It must have been so painful. But Lance was still awake.

 

“Stay with me. I’m going to get help. You hear me? I have to leave but I need to get help. I’m sorry.” Keith was about to spring forward to sprint for the doors but he stops when Lance grabs him.

 

Keith notices how shocked he looked. How cold. How chilled. Like he was seeing something that isn’t real.

  
“I can’t breathe.”


End file.
